Ghost That I Am

2010 February 18 § Leave a comment

I need to say this somewhere before I fall to pieces, in a time and place where I cannot fall to pieces.

I’ve been feeling melancholy and just generally drained. I’m emotionally tired, and more and more these days I feel like I am walking through this life as a ghost who others do not see and do not hear, because for them, I do not exist on the same level of friendship that I put them on. I like to believe that I am a generally unselfish person who can give unstintingly and generously my friendship to those who want it, without receiving anything back, but sometimes it does feel like I cherish the friendship more from my end than it does from theirs. It is physically painful to know that my leisure is not considered when they go out to do things together without me. It is so hard to go on like normal, and pretend that they are not the reason that I am having a bad day – the first one in a very long time. I do not believe that it is selfish to want them to care about my feelings, but I lack the courage to approach them about how much their indifference to my feelings (or their careless exploitation of my friendship) hurts.

It’s such a crushing burden, but there is a weakness in me that fears what they would tell me if I confronted them with my thoughts. And though I am a courageous, positive person who fears little when it comes to walking unerringly towards my dreams and goals, I think my greatest fear may be to be truly left alone – without friends, without support, without others who I can share my happinesses and joys with.

And yet, it is also a disservice to my friends to not be truthful. On the balancing scale of these two weights, I can’t decide which weighs more and takes precedence.

I think the worst part about that day was wanting to pour my heart out to somebody, and then realizing that because they were my closest friends, there was nobody else I really wanted to cry to. I have no place to go if I don’t want to be at home – and I am not the type to want to intrude on the time, space, and emotional reservoirs of others.

I wandered around in the pouring rain for about an hour, wondering what to do and where to go, and wanting to cry but not wanting to be weak. It took a long time for me to distance myself enough so that when I thought of my bad, horrible day, I didn’t get that hot, stinging feeling in my eyes, or that painful tightness of my chest. I wanted to cry, but right now is not a time when I can break down.

I don’t know if I have the strength to become strong again, if I let myself be weak.

I know there’s release in tears, but I just don’t feel like I can afford to cry right now. I can’t break down because I have no one else to lean on, and nobody to support me if I fall to pieces. I’m in a position where I can’t afford to be anything but strong, where I have to be the role model, where I have to support myself and independent, even when I don’t want to be. The duties and obligations of my responsibilities are what have kept me going while I strike out on a path completely unsupported by my parents (who somehow think that telling me I’m being stupid and foolish for doing this is going to help), but I feel like I don’t have room to breathe anymore. Being at the top of the pyramid means that you have nobody on top who will catch you if you fall. I feel like I’m reaching for help, and the people who might know what to say to me are either too far away, or don’t know that I’ve become trapped in my own dilemma.

But I know that things can be worse, so I tell myself that tomorrow will be better. And even though that hasn’t always been true, I’ve been surviving one day at a time, then a couple of days at a time.

And then one day, I will look back and see the footsteps of my journey, and know that I did survive.

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